I’m frequently asked why clients choose my services. Why would someone pay a beautiful woman for her time, when sex isn’t involved? Why pay for professional BDSM when there are so many lifestyle players? Conversely, lifestyle friends question the payoffs of going pro and can resent that pros get paid to do what they do for free. So, why pay a pro?
Discretion is the primary reason clients seek my services. The majority of my clients are men in positions of power, consummate alpha males 40+ hours a week. They bear huge responsibilities in their professional lives, and worry their image would be compromised if their charges knew about their submission. Although social acceptance of kinky activities is growing, thanks to popular media like Fifty Shades of Grey, we still have a long way to go towards becoming a non-judgmental society.
2. Freedom from Judgment
My clients fit in two categories: men over fifty grew up believing they were alone in their erotic tastes, during an era when they were more likely to see bondage on Batman TV shows than in Hustler magazine. They contented themselves in mediocre marriages with lovely women who never knew about their fantasies. Why would a man risk rejection by telling his wife he was into such weird things?
Younger men are the second category. They were raised in an era of computer technology and internet access. By the time they were in college, search engines were popping up, digital porn was more diverse, and communities of kinky people could be found online. Today, men in their twenties never doubt whether other people like to be spanked, dress in latex, or be told what to do. While some of my younger clients have BDSM experience with girlfriends, others are concerned that their fetishes are too extreme for their partners. All of my clients seek the emotional ease that comes from a professional session. They deserve to have their needs met without judgment.
Emotional safety and physical safety are equally important. I frequently joke with prospective clients, “I don’t want you to need a hospital or a therapist when I’m done with you!” Because there is physical risk inherent in BDSM, sessioning with an experienced professional with years of training is often the safest choice. Prospective clients should ask questions about safety and risk. Here are standards to keep in mind: a professional will clean her reusable equipment (i.e. paddles and dungeon furniture) with a medical grade disinfectant. She will have disposable equipment for medical scenes or activities involving bodily fluids. She will have proper sterilization for reusable devices such as urethral sounds (no, alcohol isn’t enough). Ropes will be laundered. Her dungeon should be clean enough to eat off it!
Novices often presume they can play with their partners risk-free, emulating unsafe activities they read about or saw in movies. Just because it was a porn director’s fantasy doesn’t make it smart. I encourage everyone to seek education for safety’s sake. I welcome couples for training, as do other professionals.
New clients often comment on the quantity and variety of my equipment. It’s taken over a decade to accumulate, and even longer to familiarize myself with its use. Like most people in the lifestyle, I began with my core kinks, learned about the activities I enjoyed most, and slowly expanded my net. Pursuing BDSM at the professional level (and as a dissertation research topic) enabled me to put more time and energy into my skill set. During the early years, clients were a learning experience. I was exposed to a wider variety of activities than I could have explored with one partner. I was upfront with clients when they asked me about new things, honest about my expertise or lack thereof, and studied activities they brought to the table. Some aspects of BDSM such as medical play piqued my curiosity, so I attended classes to learn more. As a professional, I’m not only proficient in my core kinks, I’m also proficient in other people’s kinks as a result of our partnerships. Clients benefit from the breadth of a ProDomme’s expertise.
5. Facility and Equipment
BDSM is expensive, and a professional dominatrix invests her earnings into her equipment. Clients are often shocked to learn that electrical toys cost hundreds apiece. Surgical steel urethral sounds are $100 each from medical supply companies; sets at fetish stores are meant for cervical dilation, not urethral use. Professional dominants charge for their time because it costs them to stay in business. Maintaining a private facility in a safe neighborhood with discreet parking is an expensive venture. Dungeon furniture is custom built or shipped from a small number of designers. ProDommes maintain a wardrobe to appease various fetishists: latex, leather, corsets, heels, etc.
6. Flexibility and Commitment
Sometimes I see clients who explore BDSM in their personal lives. I recognize it’s not easy. Fantasy and reality don’t often mesh. I hear stories about wives who are also submissive, so neither partner is dominant. The wife wants the husband to be Christian Grey, and the husband wants the wife to be Ilsa of the SS. Their desires are fun, but incompatible. Alternately, some clients have compatible desires with their partner, and dabble in kinky play. Then reality sets in: schedules are busy, kids need tending, and life interferes. While BDSM may not be a priority for one partner, the other partner has a higher need. In this situation, the client benefits from the availability of a professional. A dominatrix has real life challenges also, but in session her attention is 100% yours.
Like any other art form, dominance emerges out of a passion for one’s craft. An experienced professional blends nuances learned from years of practice. When a novice comes through my door, I hone in on their desires, picking up cues in words and body language. Clients are often surprised when I can tell them things they haven’t fully admitted to themselves yet. A professional dominant’s job is to figure out which buttons need to be pushed. Attention to detail comes from a passion for kink and a desire to understand people. Details can go unobserved by someone merely “playing” at dominance.
There’s a myth that clients are paying for play because they can’t find any other outlet for BDSM. I’ve found this to be untrue. Clients are paying for a higher level of kink because they value experiences obtained through a professional. By hiring a pro, a client won’t have to convince a partner that being kinky is an acceptable thing, worry about his safety, or schedule around PTA meetings. A ProDomme is serious about what she does, and her life’s work is the art of BDSM. Professionalism shows in her dungeon facility, range of equipment, and expertise. Her commitment to BDSM and the art of dominance ensure a positive experience for a discerning client.